How to Raise an Adult 读后感

作者：Julie Lythcott-Haims

A provocative manifesto that exposes the harms of helicopter parenting and sets forth an alternate philosophy for raising preteens and teens to self-sufficient young adulthoodIn How to Raise an Adult, Julie Lythcott-Haims draws on research, on conversations with admissions officers, educators, and employers, and on her own insights as a mother and as a student dean to highlight the ways in which overparenting harms children, their stressed-out parents, and society at large. While empathizing with the parental hopes and, especially, fears that lead to overhelping, Lythcott-Haims offers practical alternative strategies that underline the importance of allowing children to make their own mistakes and develop the resilience, resourcefulness, and inner determination necessary for success.Relevant to parents of toddlers as well as of twentysomethings-and of special value to parents of teens-this book is a rallying cry for those who wish to ensure that the next generation can take charge of their own lives with competence and confidence.

How to Raise an Adult在线阅读地址

(看的纸质书，书评一起放这里)

朋友圈一位妈妈的推荐。一看标题就是能提供自我麻醉自我解脱的，要读 ～作者的资历也很厉害，斯坦福本科哈佛法学，十年斯坦福的freshman dean，palo alto mom，对硅谷一带鸡血parenting style既有实战经验，又有理论提炼，更觉得要读。

本书中部(The Core of Self)才回答了一个核心的命题。What does it mean to be an adult? 一个词，self efficacy” (having the belief in your abilities to complete a task, reach goals, and manage a situation). 说得更全景一些，是a firm commitment to an adult social role, which is intrinsically not about YOU. 是超越本人自我照顾和享乐外的责任和义务（比如结婚生子，工作，参军）。

如何让孩子为长大成人做准备，简言之，除了要搞定自己之外，还要引介责任和义务。

这本书让我更坚定了一些教育理念，为懒妈寻找理论依据。比如对爬藤的无感。爬藤在我看来也许是最本末倒置的教育目标了（当然自推和天赋娃除外）。比如对独立人格和健康心态的重视。以前很怕孩子青春期太过叛逆。其实叛逆也是独立人格成长的重要部分。

也给我提了一些醒－－－怎样为放手做准备，多早都不迟。文中描述的一个景象让我印象很深。孩子和妈妈过马路，妈妈警觉地左右看车辆，孩子跟在后面头也不抬的玩手机。做那样的妈妈是天性使然，我们都本能的要保护孩子，往往选择代劳。除了保护欲，也有自身的惰性，自己有鱼时，授人以鱼比授人以渔其实来得容易。

第三部分“Another Way有一些经验性讨论。小标题本身都是很好的总结：

－ Give them unstructured time. 有意识的back off。比如孩子们聚在一起时，不再围在附近看，更不”指导“，让他们自己处理sharing，谁先玩后玩和达成协议，让他们自己天马行空，或是发展暗语和天马行空。

- Teach life skills. 有按年龄段的sample skills，很有借鉴，比如6到7岁要会basic cooking

- Teach them how to think. 发掘／启发式的提问。What do you think you can do about it? How can you tell youre good at it? Why do you think you like。。。?

- Prepare them for hard work。比如做家务，build a pitch in and job well done mindset。不过分表扬。

- Let them chart their own path。帮助孩子找到内在动力。

- Normalize struggle。帮孩子build resilience (be present, back off also, give specific, authentic feedback)。不要动不动就把别人孩子label成bully（这个词在美国滥用）。让孩子接受挫折。

- Have a wider mindset about colleges

- Listen to them